Sunday, November 9, 2008

Scary Future

Never have I been more nervous or realitic about the affects of this disease than I have been recently. As difficult as it is to express, in written or spoken words, Mike is on a downward spiral. I cannot ignore the facts: he's starting to cough more when he eats, he's losing weight, he's sleeping more, his head is drooping more and his smiles as are not abundant. The kids don't want to hear anything about it, as I can completely understand. I try all the time to ease them into discussing the inevitable. It's scary for me, so I can only imagine how they must feel. How difficult will it be to let go? How hard will it be when Mike just isn't eating anymore? Will we be able to say, "this is it?". It will be VERY hard especially since he's still smiling with us. I always thought that when his body starts of "shut down", that he would become somewhat "catatonic". He would stare and have no expression. Now thouhg, he's still very much looking around and smiling with us. I just can't imagine having to come to the realization that he's beginning the final stages of this disease, when it doesn't seem like Mike "fits the bill".

I guess I think back to another "blogger" that I knew from the Alzheimer Association's Message Boards. If I remember the story correctly, her husband had actually gone to a wedding with her in January. Then sometime in March, he just decided he did not want to eat. For almost 2 months, she sat vigil with him as he wasted away from not eating or drinking ANYTHING. He held on for so long, but finally "let go" in April. If this man can go from being well enough to attend a wedding in January, to not eating at all in March, to passing away in April.............

I HATE this disease - all the uncertainty, all the cruelty, all the pain and emptiness, all the suffering for all those involved, it's hard to even fathom. On a night out recently with fellow spouses of EOAD people, one husband put it so well when he said, If my wife was dying of cancer, it would be horrific, but for most of the disease, I would still have my wife to talk to and to cry with. With Alzheimer's Disease, my wife has been a "shell" for so long, I do not have my life partner to talk to and cry with. SO much has been taken away from us.

There's nothing else I can say.

1 comment:

Carl in NC said...

I know what you mean by that last part. We continue to pray for your family and for a cure for this disease. Thanks for all you do for the EOAD community by being so open!

Take care and God bless,

Carl in NC