Thursday, September 4, 2008


I am pleased to say that Mike was approved and started on Hospice on Tuesday Sept. 1st. I have yet to meet with the nurse that will coming once a week, but I hope to hear from her today. The social worker already called and will be coming by next week sometime. I pray that the services provided by Hospice will help lighten my load.

Today is a bad day for me. We all have good and bad days, right? Everything just seems to be piling up and I feel the pressure building. Financially, we can't be worse off. I don't remember a time when things are as bad as they are now. Each month I have to decide which bills I can pay, and I put the rest off. Topping my list of priorities are our health insurance, utilities, mortgage. Credit cards are at the bottom and there are a few I have not paid since January. Yes, that's right. We also pray everyday for sunny weather because I still have not been able to afford a new dryer since our current one broke when Mike was hospitalized in June (but that's the LEAST of our problems). This disease took Mike out of the work force way too soon and has burdened us with one salary - which was recently cut. This is our reality and I KNOW it's the reality of other families going through difficult illnesses.

Emotionally, I am also at a low point. Courtney turning 17 and starting her senior year is just the tip of the iceberg. Knowing that I will have to bear the burden ALONE, on all that's involved with college and facing the fact that Courtney will no longer be living at home next September has me in a tailspin. My brother who moved in with us in May, has NUMEROUS physical and emotional issues and unfortunately they are beginning to affect me and the kids. I just can't tell him he can't live here anymore. He also took a pay cut and can't afford an apartment on his own. His divorce is still not finalized after 3 years and he has bad back and shoulder injuries. My mom is here everyday, as she has been the last 16 years, but she's getting older and more difficult to deal with. She's also very depressed, and she and her husband walk in the door to our home everyday arguing. She is obsessed with my brother's problems and talks about them constantly. We can't seem to escape it. Courtney was actually GLAD to go back to school so she wouldn't have to deal with the craziness all day. When I try to talk to my mom, SHE gets offended and tells me she just won't come by anymore.

There are days when I just want to scream to my brother and Mom, "DON'T YOU GUYS GET IT????"..... We are dealing with issues far bigger, yet they continue to talk about and dwell on THEIR issues. I know everyone's problems are relative, but can't they see the additional stress they are putting on us?

Not everyday is like this, but today I am feeling it more than usual.

No, today is not a good day for me, but I know with strength from God, I will get through it and I KNOW that tomorrow will be better.

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