Friday, April 23, 2010

A Saint I Ain't

In my day to day activities, I am constantly going, and quite often don't get a moment to reflect. I am glad that I'm always running because when I DO get a moment to stop, I usually always end up being sad and getting emotional. I've been reminded alot of how "blessed" I am, and in my heart of hearts and deepest reaches of my soul, I know I am. I am healthy, my children are healthy, I have a home and a job. These things I NEVER take for granted and I thank God every day for blessing me and my family. But I am only human and a "saint I ain't".

Each morning I wake up and look at Mike lying next to me, completely unaware. I believe there are times when he knows who is with him and he recognizes voices, but for the most part, he is not my husband in the very essence of the word. I wake up and start my day by crushing his medicine and pureeing his food. How many other wives have to start their day doing this for their husband? I then mix his drinks for the day with "Thick-It" to help prevent him from aspirating. How many other spouses need to worry about this during the day? When I get home from work, I shave Mike. Is that also something that is common for wives to do? After we eat dinner, we get Mike into bed and I change his diaper and clothes and wash him before bed. Yes, I am blessed, but how many other spouses can say this is a part of their daily routine? I love Mike with all my heart and soul and I take care of him because I WANT to. I would like people to think about their your own blessings before they complain about little annoyances. Look at the big picture. I may ocassionally be been surrounded by good friends and a wonderful family, but that does make make my loneliness easier to deal with. It does not make me feel better at night when I'm lying next to my terminally ill husband. We have been living in limbo for NINE YEARS - how many others have done that?

At the heart of things, I am an upbeat and positive person, but there ARE days when I truly feel like not getting out of bed, but even THAT is not an option. Sleep in, I can't remember when. Alzheimer's Disease is despicable, Early Onset Alzheimer's Disease is WORSE. What were you doing when you were 36 YEARS OLD !? Were you getting lost while driving? Were you forgetting where your children were? Did you get fired from your job and get scared s*#t about why you couldn't remember things? Were you telling your spouse that it would be OK to get married again once you passed away? Were you depressed because you would NEVER see your children graduate from High School, get married or reach other milestones in their lives? Are you the spouse of someone going through this - having to watch them wither away to nothing? There are many debilitating diseases, but not very many like this. I have not heard Mike's voice in almost 6 years. Take a moment, think about that....

I don't have as much as others, yet I am better off than many. I am human and I hurt. I struggle each and every day to look at the bright side of life. I constantly pray for a cure for Alzheimer's Disease, please do the same.


Elena said...

I do pray every night and I do know what you and your family are enduring. My heart aches for you as I have been there and it is not a good place. 'ain't a saint' but you are 'a saint in training'. You are a goddess to me and to all of the spouses of Young Onset Alzheimer's victims. God bless you and bring you peaceful moments of rest during your arduous journey.

Carl in NC said...

I agree with your comments and understand. Dealing with a spouse with E/YOAD has certainly taught me not to take anything for granted. I hope that others can see that and not take as much for granted when dealing with issues with their own spouses and marriages. As you mentioned many things that people get upset about just are not worth it in the big scheme of things. I appreciate the ways that you and your family provide a solid example for all of us to press on toward the mark as it says in Philippians 3:12-14. Have a blessed day!

Take care a God bless,