Struggles

So, where do I begin. To start, all has been status quo with Mike. That's a HUGE plus and something I am very thankful for, especially at this stage of the game. I'm so overwhelmed with other things right now, every little bit helps.


-I am dealing with all the paperwork regarding financial aid/loans for Courtney as she begins college in September. I know there will be issues, considering the fact that my credit stinks (8 years on one salary and trying to balance bills each month). Mike was always the person that was able to translate this kind of "stuff". It all seems foreign to me. I know it will work out, but it's the "getting there" that will drive me nuts. I have alot to overcome, and I'm not sure how everything will pan out.

-Work has been busy. That's a good thing for me. If it continues to be busy, maybe my boss will give me my hours and salary back. At the same time, because it's busy, I haven't been able to do many of the personal things I had done when it was slow.

-Our new aid is working out fine and I pray that it continues to go well. Past experiences have proven to me never to assume that things will go smoothly.

-Beside being busy at work, it's been difficult to listen to one of the attorneys in the office. When he gets frustrated with a client or attorney, he will quite often say "I hope they get stomach cancer". The first time I heard this, I could NOT believe my ears. Mike's dad passed away from stomach cancer, so I know how cruel the disease is and to wish it on someone is completely unfathamable. He says things like this alot, and he's very often crude and nasty. He walks around with the "woe is me attitude" and makes sure that everyone knows what a sad life he's had (both his parents passed away when he was in his 40's) Yet, in spite of all his rudeness and meaness, he has a good life. He takes his family on vacation 3-4 times a year (to Tahiti, sailing in the Carribean etc). I consider myself a good person and I always try to treat others the way that I would want to be treated. I am nowhere near perfect, but I consider myself an overall good person. It stings when I see someone who is so mean and nasty, enjoy things that my children and I will never have. I am not jealous, if he can do it, more power to him - enjoy. It's just that when I can't sleep at night because I am worrying about how I will be sending my daughter to college and he's bragging about his recent trip to Cancun, or his house in Vermont, or his Porsche - it's time like these that I have to rely solely on my faith. This is when I think about whether this man knows how TRULY bessed he really is.

I pray that everything will work out for Courtney and that the good will be rewarded. I pray that God and our guardian angels will give us the strength and knowledge we will need to get us through this.

On another note, both Courtney and Brandon are on a photography trip this weekend to the school's retreat house upstate. They left this afternoon and will be home Sunday night. The house is eerily quiet without either of them here, and tomorrow I will be completely by myself. If this is a foreshadowing for what is to come, I'm not sure that I am emotionally ready for this.