Pictures

I know I said I would have pictures up and I haven't forgotten, but I just haven't been able to do it. It's been a little over a year without a home computer, so the only way I can download and post pix is when Courtney comes home from school. This is on the weekends (when she works)and I'm normally running around crazy, so it never seems to get done. I want to share these pictures with you and I promise I will as soon as I can.
Mike is "status quo". It's one day at a time....some better than others.

Fever - No Fever

Last Saturday as I was getting Mike into bed and he felt a "little" warm, but nothing to be crazed about. Much to my surprise, he had a 103.3 fever. I also noticed that he had a pressure sore on his thigh, which was open a little - I did not like the way it looked. The hospice social worker came on Monday and my mom mentioned what happened on Saturday. She in turn called Mike's nurse and so she came Monday instead of Tuesday. When I questioned why he keeps getting these fevers, she just said, "sometimes it's just a part of the process and is not caused by an infection". WOW I wasn't expecting to hear that, but at the same time, reality kicked in. I've been logging Mike's bouts with fever and at first he would get them maybe once every few months, then it was once a month, now it seems like once a week.
Last night, he developed a fever again - 103.5. I had to give him two rounds of Tylenol before the fever broke and he got comfortable. The only difference between last night and Saturday was that last night, he appeared to have some chest congestion. He coughed up some "glop" and he fell back to sleep. Today he woke up with some "gurgle", he didn't have a fever and he was able to cough up some stuff. I just called home and his aide said he seems to be doing OK.
One day at a time.....

Little Kids, Little Problems...

...big kids, big problems. I've heard this phrase many times over the years, but never have I understood it more than I do now.

I guess it's not so much "problems", as it is dilemmas and hurdles. Courtney got into the school she has always wanted to go to, and while she is enjoying the classes and the challenges they bring, she's having a difficult time connecting with anyone. She has a few forces working against her: she's a transfer student and lives off campus, she's not at school 4 days a week (she commutes home to her job) and the biggest of all - she doesn't drink or go out partying. Understandably, college kids test their new found freedoms, and usually go wild. Courtney is not that type and she can't understand how most kids stay out all night and sleep in all day, sometimes cutting classes. While she didn't seem surprised at this situation at Hofstra, where anyone is admitted, she didn't expect the same from the more difficult Fordham. It's not for the lack of trying either, because she has already joined numerous clubs. What better way to meet people who are interested in the same things as you than by joining film and communication clubs. Despite all her efforts, she's finding that she's definitely the odd man out.

This is also the time of year I will begin looking at colleges with Brandon. The realization that he will not be home next September is beginning to sink in. Courtney tells me constantly that if Brandon goes away to school, she will commute because she knows I cannot get Mike into bed on my own. I tell her that it's not an option, but she refuses to listen. I don't say anything anymore, because who knows what tomorrow will bring, let alone next year. I have taken a few days off to take Brandon to visit some schools he's interested in: Seton Hall, Rutgers and Stonybrook. He likes Syracuse, but that's too far for me to go, so we did the virtual tour. He may also check out Scranton. All this needs to be done ASAP, since his college apps. are due into his college advisor by mid-October.

Courtney has been driving for 2 years and Brandon has finished his driving classes and can take his road test any day now. I can't begin to list all the times it would have saved me SO MUCH had we had another car. Over the summer there were so many times Courtney could have done things for me while I was working. She also got a job, is GREAT, but I had to run her back and forth. Now Brandon is looking for a job and he will need to get around. If we could somehow afford a car, then there's the insurance and gas. Kids have survived without cars for time and again, now mine will have to survive the same.

Where does time go? I remember being up with them at night when they were teething, now I find myself waiting up for them to get home. Little kids, little problems..... Life's little dilemmas...dealing with them by myself, sad of what Mike has missed.

TODAY IS WORLD ALZHEIMER'S DAY. LET'S NOT FORGET THOSE WHO CAN'T REMEMBER.

Feeling Down

I hope to have some pictures up this weekend from the Memory Walk and the kids ATV excursion. I haven't been feeling well lately, both physically and mentally. Too much is hitting at once, and again, I am in the overwhelmed stage. Each and every time I hit a valley like this, it takes every bit of strength I have to fight my way out. I am blessed that Mike has been in a "holding pattern" and that the kids are doing better. They each had sinus infections, which I think I may have - or it could be my allergies - I'm not sure. Just feel like s*&t. I honestly don't know how much one person can handle. I have never said "it can't get worse" because I know very well that things definitely can. Every morning I wake up and pray that the day will be better and bring some GOOD news. I'm still holding onto Courtney/Fordham to help me get through this - it's been the one good thing that's happened in a while. I will NEVER GIVE UP and will continue to HOPE.

Our Miracle

For all our blog followers who helped us through last
year's fiasco with Courtney and college, I am
THRILLED to share the news that Courtney
will be attending Fordham this year.
By some miracle, all the cards fell into place and
we moved her in yesterday. It has been a bumpy road since May, that came to an end last Friday when she made her final decision. I give Courtney ALOT of credit for investigating the transfer. Even though it was her DREAM school, she did not want to transfer if it meant: that her credits would not be transferable, that she would have to give up her newly obtained job at The Disney Store, and that she got housing. It took alot of work on her part, but as I've explained, "anything worth having is worth the hard work".
She was placed in an apartment off campus which she was not entirely thrilled about, but as she spends time there, I think she will like it. It has central air, full kitchen, LR & Dr and shares it with 4 other girls. It's located on Arthur Avenue in Little Italy, so I have a feeling she will be dealing with the "Sophomore 15". Fordham had a beautiful candlelight ceremony last night welcoming new students - she's "home" and I coulnd't be more happy for her.
I wear my FORDHAM MOM shirt proudly!

Success

I am VERY HAPPY to report that this years Lemonade Stand was a HUGE SUCCESS. We raised a little over $1,000.00. The day was beautiful and once again, our friends and neighbors stepped up to the plate to help support a worthy cause. Mike's brother and his 3 boys stopped by to help us and I believe they enjoyed themselves also. A friend of mine from High School (and a bridesmaid in our wedding) stopped by after hearing about our sale on FaceBook. That was a great surprise - and we both realized that, yes, we are getting old!

In this picture are (from left to right): Courtney, Me, MaryAnn Ragona (Head of Alzheimer's Association- Long Island Chapter), Brandon and MaryAnn's mom. They had some our of delicious Lemonade and monkey bread.

FAITH - GUILT

firm belief in something for which there is no proof......complete trust....something that is believed especially with strong conviction....without question.....

My faith is being tested more and more every day and once again I feel as though I am drowning with no life preserver in sight. With all the interviews on TV, newspapers and radio I have done, I have never really opened myself up completely. I often wonder what people would think if they REALLY knew how much I struggled - on so many levels -each day. Alzheimer's Disease is turning me into someone I do not want to be. I don't like being jealous, envious or angry, yet I find myself fighting those feelings every day. It's difficult to teach my children to be good people when with every corner we turn, there is yet another obstacle. It's a hard pill to swallow when you see others not always doing the right thing - getting rewarded. Sure, we can never know exactly what goes in other's lives, but by God, it's getting really difficult to see the forest for the trees. I sincerely thank God every day for all that I have and I KNOW things CAN be worse, but does that mean I can never feel like I'm fighting a losing battle?

..... feelings of culpability especially for imagined offenses or from a sense of inadequacy....remorseful awareness of having done something wrong...

This is what I feel after I question my faith. All I need to do is look around and I would be able to see many others who have more problems than my own. I struggle with this fact - because there are days (like today) when I don't feel things can get worse. I'm sensible enough to know that this is not true. Things can get plenty worse and I know it.....therefore I question my faith. I find myself in a vicious cycle.

FAITH is what keeps me going. I have to believe that what we do has a greater purpose. I have to believe that one day, things will get better, our struggles with subside and I will experience more good than bad.

When we were going through rough times in the past, Mike would always tell me that "things will be OK". When I asked him how he knew he would say - "I have connections". Each night I go to bed I ask Mike is he could call on those "connections". I miss his reassurances, his calming nature, his protection. Things always did turn out OK - I just have to keep my FAITH.