Friday, August 13, 2010


firm belief in something for which there is no proof......complete trust....something that is believed especially with strong conviction....without question.....

My faith is being tested more and more every day and once again I feel as though I am drowning with no life preserver in sight. With all the interviews on TV, newspapers and radio I have done, I have never really opened myself up completely. I often wonder what people would think if they REALLY knew how much I struggled - on so many levels -each day. Alzheimer's Disease is turning me into someone I do not want to be. I don't like being jealous, envious or angry, yet I find myself fighting those feelings every day. It's difficult to teach my children to be good people when with every corner we turn, there is yet another obstacle. It's a hard pill to swallow when you see others not always doing the right thing - getting rewarded. Sure, we can never know exactly what goes in other's lives, but by God, it's getting really difficult to see the forest for the trees. I sincerely thank God every day for all that I have and I KNOW things CAN be worse, but does that mean I can never feel like I'm fighting a losing battle?

..... feelings of culpability especially for imagined offenses or from a sense of inadequacy....remorseful awareness of having done something wrong...

This is what I feel after I question my faith. All I need to do is look around and I would be able to see many others who have more problems than my own. I struggle with this fact - because there are days (like today) when I don't feel things can get worse. I'm sensible enough to know that this is not true. Things can get plenty worse and I know it.....therefore I question my faith. I find myself in a vicious cycle.

FAITH is what keeps me going. I have to believe that what we do has a greater purpose. I have to believe that one day, things will get better, our struggles with subside and I will experience more good than bad.

When we were going through rough times in the past, Mike would always tell me that "things will be OK". When I asked him how he knew he would say - "I have connections". Each night I go to bed I ask Mike is he could call on those "connections". I miss his reassurances, his calming nature, his protection. Things always did turn out OK - I just have to keep my FAITH.


Anonymous said...


I stumbled across your blog today, and have been reading it for several hours now. I am full of admiration for you and your children. Best wishes from England to you and your husband and stay strong.

Carl in NC said...

I understand your struggle and what you meant by not really laying it all out when talking to others. It's hard to describe, but think I know exactly what you mean. It's that part of the bond that only spouses can have like the reassurances you mention,like the ability to just relax in a spouses arms, like the ability to share common dreams and memories. Those are the things that we miss so much. It's hard to want to describe it to someone else because they cannot truly help even if they wanted. They can empathize and show sympathy, but those feelings will still be there.

For me, I am trying to rely on Christ and my own personal relationship with Him. Like you mention, it is difficult sometimes to do, but His Word has so many promises for us to hold on to when our faith is shaken. Christ's faith was tested as well in the wilderness, during His ministry and at the time when He was crucified. I can only hope that I can be a witness to Him through this trial of YOAD. You and your family have been a tremendous witness and encouragement to me. I admire your resolve and the love that each of you have for Mike and for one another. Your faith and love are evident in your actions. I will continue to pray for strength to make it through. :-)

Take care and God bless,


Karen said...

Anonymous - Thank you for your kind words. I'm amazed that my blog made it over to Englan. Thank you again.

Carl - No truer words were ever spoken -you get it!! I think about you, Shannon and your children frequently, and I pray for your continued courage and faith.

Anonymous said...

Dear Karen,

I'm relieved you didn't mind a stranger commenting. Glad to see your sale was such a success.

Take care,

Liz (Anon).