Father's Day is always bittersweet. Mike is physically here with us, but that's it. How do you
"celebrate" the day? What do you buy someone who is practically bed bound? We can't take Mike out to dinner, or BBQ for him. Our day was very subdued. Courtney and I ran to the supermarket, but the rest of the day we just stayed home. We made Mike a T-shirt with the most recent picture of all of us and wrote on it "Happy Father's Day". We read him our cards and basically stayed close to him for the day.
Staying home was somewhat productive. Courtney and I had a heart to heart about college. She may be making some changes, and I helped her sort out the process and weigh the pro's and con's. I made MY DAD'S famous homemade potato salad in his memory - and it was enjoyed by all.
Right after the kids went up to bed, Brandon came back down and asked if he could talk to me - by now it's about 11:30 p.m. We proceeded to talk (or should I say cry) for the next hour. He broke my heart as he expressed to me his sadness at feeling like he never got to know his dad. I have a picture of him and Mike on the fridge at a Yankee game (before Mike got sick), and Brandon tells me when he looks at it, he's comforted by the fact that it's clear he enjoyed his time with Mike. Remember, my children were only 7 & 9 when Mike was diagnosed. Think about how much you can remember before that time in your life. Not much, so beside not having his dad around during his teen years, he doesn't even remember him when he was younger. As a parent, it broke my heart that I couldn't fix the situation. He's also very concerned that something will happen to Mike when he goes away to school. No child should ever have to worry about these things!
I lost alot of sleep last night as the last 10 years replayed in my mind. We all lost out on SO MUCH. When I woke up, I was tired and emotional. Then, after she ate breakfast, Courtney felt her one tooth chip. It's a molar or wisdom tooth, not sure which, but she panicked (this after we spent one night discussing the common denominator in Young Onset Alzheimer's patients being bad teeth). I tried to calm her fears, but she is beside herself. The fear of the unknown is only part of it, she doesn't want to deal with the pain if they have to pull it. Then right after this happened and I was ready to walk out the door, Mike's aide proceeds to tell me that she's not sure what's she doing, because the home health agency she works for does not give her sick time. Everytime she goes to the doctor (which has been many recently) she loses time from work - which she can't afford. SO, does this mean she may leave us?
As I walk out my door to work, I think HAPPY MONDAY! How many other woman deal with these three potentially HUGE issues before they leave for the day? How am I supposed to concentrate once I get to work?
Deep breath.....one day at a time......no, one hour at a time.
The picture was taken of Mike this morning. Each day I wake up, this is what I see - Mike's face, a palm cross and the "footprints" poem.