Our Miracle

For all our blog followers who helped us through last
year's fiasco with Courtney and college, I am
THRILLED to share the news that Courtney
will be attending Fordham this year.
By some miracle, all the cards fell into place and
we moved her in yesterday. It has been a bumpy road since May, that came to an end last Friday when she made her final decision. I give Courtney ALOT of credit for investigating the transfer. Even though it was her DREAM school, she did not want to transfer if it meant: that her credits would not be transferable, that she would have to give up her newly obtained job at The Disney Store, and that she got housing. It took alot of work on her part, but as I've explained, "anything worth having is worth the hard work".
She was placed in an apartment off campus which she was not entirely thrilled about, but as she spends time there, I think she will like it. It has central air, full kitchen, LR & Dr and shares it with 4 other girls. It's located on Arthur Avenue in Little Italy, so I have a feeling she will be dealing with the "Sophomore 15". Fordham had a beautiful candlelight ceremony last night welcoming new students - she's "home" and I coulnd't be more happy for her.
I wear my FORDHAM MOM shirt proudly!

Success

I am VERY HAPPY to report that this years Lemonade Stand was a HUGE SUCCESS. We raised a little over $1,000.00. The day was beautiful and once again, our friends and neighbors stepped up to the plate to help support a worthy cause. Mike's brother and his 3 boys stopped by to help us and I believe they enjoyed themselves also. A friend of mine from High School (and a bridesmaid in our wedding) stopped by after hearing about our sale on FaceBook. That was a great surprise - and we both realized that, yes, we are getting old!

In this picture are (from left to right): Courtney, Me, MaryAnn Ragona (Head of Alzheimer's Association- Long Island Chapter), Brandon and MaryAnn's mom. They had some our of delicious Lemonade and monkey bread.

FAITH - GUILT

firm belief in something for which there is no proof......complete trust....something that is believed especially with strong conviction....without question.....

My faith is being tested more and more every day and once again I feel as though I am drowning with no life preserver in sight. With all the interviews on TV, newspapers and radio I have done, I have never really opened myself up completely. I often wonder what people would think if they REALLY knew how much I struggled - on so many levels -each day. Alzheimer's Disease is turning me into someone I do not want to be. I don't like being jealous, envious or angry, yet I find myself fighting those feelings every day. It's difficult to teach my children to be good people when with every corner we turn, there is yet another obstacle. It's a hard pill to swallow when you see others not always doing the right thing - getting rewarded. Sure, we can never know exactly what goes in other's lives, but by God, it's getting really difficult to see the forest for the trees. I sincerely thank God every day for all that I have and I KNOW things CAN be worse, but does that mean I can never feel like I'm fighting a losing battle?

..... feelings of culpability especially for imagined offenses or from a sense of inadequacy....remorseful awareness of having done something wrong...

This is what I feel after I question my faith. All I need to do is look around and I would be able to see many others who have more problems than my own. I struggle with this fact - because there are days (like today) when I don't feel things can get worse. I'm sensible enough to know that this is not true. Things can get plenty worse and I know it.....therefore I question my faith. I find myself in a vicious cycle.

FAITH is what keeps me going. I have to believe that what we do has a greater purpose. I have to believe that one day, things will get better, our struggles with subside and I will experience more good than bad.

When we were going through rough times in the past, Mike would always tell me that "things will be OK". When I asked him how he knew he would say - "I have connections". Each night I go to bed I ask Mike is he could call on those "connections". I miss his reassurances, his calming nature, his protection. Things always did turn out OK - I just have to keep my FAITH.

I Miss Sleep

For the last few weeks, I have been losing even more sleep than ever. Courtney's new job will sometimes keep her out until 12:30-1:00 and I either wait up for her or have to go pick her up. On nights when she's not working, it's not uncommon for Brandon to go out, so then again I am awake waiting for him. For them it's a non-issue since they are are summer vacation, but for me, there is no summer vacation. Last night I was so excited-----Courtney was home at 6 and Brandon would not be going out. Finally, we can enjoy the night together and I could get to bed early. I did, BUT.....Mike had other plans. At 2:30 he woke up with a fever of 102. Needless to say, I got no sleep AGAIN last night. I'm concerned about Mike and will be calling hospice again this morning. His regular nurse is on vacation for 2 weeks, so we'll see what happens.
I guess I'm just not meant to sleep.....

Lemonade Stand

Tomorrow Courtney, Brandon and their friends will hold their 4th Annual Lemonade Stand to benefit the Alzheimer's Association. They've been busy baking the fresh baked goods that will also be sold and making the appropriate signs to advertise. We are so happy that the weather looks like it will be PERFECT for the sale and our goal is to surpass the total from last year. As always, I will thank "the crew" by BBQ-ing for them afterwards. It should be a fun - and EXHAUSTING - day.

Mike is status quo, and that's a good thing!

Courtney got a job at The Disney Store in our local mall and they have been working her hard. It's great because she's getting to save much needed money for school, but she's not used to not having a social life. She went out with her friends last night for the first time in about a month and a half. She has been working the closing shift and not getting home until 12:30 a.m. - which means I'm not getting enough sleep because I wait up for her. I'm just SO HAPPY that she got this job, so I don't want to complain. We're blessed. Now if Brandon could only find something.....

On the Mend

I am happy to report that after 4 days of fever, and terrible chest congestion, Mike seems to be on the mend. He was started on Cipro last Thursday and he has FINALLY been able to get some "gunk" out. He still doesn't seem 100% to me, because I have a good feeling he might have had pneumonia or close to it. He sounded TERRIBLE.
Yesterday Mike and I celebrated 25 years together. Although it wasn't out wedding anniversary, but the anniversary of our first date. As expected, I was a bit emotional. When you're that young, you don't even know if you'll have another date with the person, let alone get married, have children and eventually have to deal with a disease like Alzheimer's.
When I woke him up, I told him what day it was and gave him a big kiss (as usual). I asked him for a smile and guess what....he gave me a BIG SMILE. He's been very stingy with those lately, only giving them to Courtney, but it made my day when he lovingly gave one to me. Was it a reflex or did he understand? I don't know, but I will ALWAYS believe that Mike is in there and he knows everything going on around him.

I'm tired of Alzheimer's

Mike has been sick with fever and chest congestion since Tuesday evening.
He started with the "gurgle" on Tuesday night and by the time we got him into bed, his fever was 102.3. He woke up Wednesday with no fever (it appeared to have "broken" in the middle of the night). He ate and drank his usual on Wednesday, but by bedtime, his "gurgle" came back as well as his fever. Overnight, his breathing was very loud and he sounded very congested. I didn't sleep much - as I was checking on him all night: I turned him to try to losen stuff up, gave him tylenol, cleaned him etc. I didn't go into work yesterday and called hospice. Instead of sending someone, they prescribed an antibiotic, which is fine - but I still think they should have had someone come by to check.
I was up again all last night. We put Mike in the hospital bed in the living room because we can raise his head better there (we have the wedges in the other room, but the hospital bed allows us more incline), and I "slept" on the couch. I am even more exhausted from not sleeping again last night and today I had to come into work (my boss is out playing golf).
Lying there last night I started thinking about all the other sleepless nights that I've had the past 9 years taking care of Mike and the various illnesses and maladies he's had to deal with. Whether it be at home or in the hospital, there have been quite a few times I watched the clock as minutes turned to hours, and hours into days.
I recently bought a bracelet (a portion of the proceeds go to Alzheimer research) that sums it all up.... I'M TIRED OF ALZHEIMER'S !!!!!