Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Memory Lane

Brandon will be graduating next June and with that comes all the same activities and planning as I did just two years ago with Courtney. When Mike and I were planning our family, we desperately wanted to have our children close together. Our thought process was that by being so close in age, they would be on the same playing field, hopefully sharing the same interests and that they would grow up to be the best of friends. We prayed that no matter what, they would always be there for each other.
At this age, it sure doesn't seem to be the case. There will be occasional and very rare moments when the two of them will be talking, maybe even laughing together, and I wish Mike was aware so he could see that our wish may indeed have come true. When they argue and fight, a part of me hopes that Mike doesn't realize what is happening.
When Mike and I were planning our life, we didn't realize just how hectic things would be as our children, so close in age, got older. This year, Courtney is helping me with Brandon's yearbook dedication page. We spent one evening looking through boxes and boxes of pictures, looking for the photos we thought would epitomize Brandon. In searching through these memories, I was once again confronted with the past, and all that we have lost. Not just me and the kids, but Mike - and all that he has never fully experienced. I am so caught up in trying to stay afloat in the present, dealing with our daily struggles, that quite often I forget the life we used to have: the way Mike used to be, the relationship we had before we got married, his relationship with Courtney and Brandon, our dreams and hopes for the future.
I can be somewhat thankful that I am so busy each and every minute of the day, that I don't have the time to re-visit those memories. At any given moment, when I see a dad with his chidren, I tear up. I remember those days as though they were yesterday, and mourn for the life Mike never had to share with his children. Alzheimer's robs it's victims of those memories, those cherished snapshots of time and events that make up our past and create the person we are.

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